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Jokes + Past Simple

1

When I was a student I lived with a farmer and his wife. The first day I was there, one of the chickens died and we had chicken soup for dinner. The second day a sheep died and we had lamb chops. The following day a duck died and we had roast duck. The next day the farmer died, so I decided to leave.

2

At a show a very strong man squeezed an orange hard and then shouted to the audience:

“I will give $30 to the person who can get any more juice out of this orange.” Three very big men tried but none of them could get any more juice out of the orange. Then a thin, old man picked it up. When he squeezed it, five drops of juice dripped from it. The three big men were amazed and asked the old man:

“How did you do that?”

I worked as a tax inspector.

3

You’re wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger.

I know. I married the wrong man.

4

Do you know how my grandmother stopped my grandfather biting his fingernails? She smashed his false teeth.

5

Mum, Aunt Sarah kissed me.

Did you kiss her back?

Of course not, I kissed her face.

6

Did the film have a happy ending?

Well, everybody was happy when it ended.

7

My mother never liked any of my girlfriends. Last week I invited my latest girlfriend home. She looked like my mother, talked like my mother and even dressed like her.

She liked her a lot.

Well, that’s the end of your problems!

Not quite. My father didn’t like her.

8

I think I was very ugly when I was a baby.

Why do you think that?

Well, when I was in my pram my mother didn’t push it; she always pulled it behind her!

9

Why are you only wearing one glove? Did you lose one?

No, I found one.

10

I woke up with toothache this morning, so I went to the dentist.

Does your tooth still hurt?

I don’t know. The dentist kept it.

11

The watch you sold me isn’t working.

But it was our best model.

I know.

And it was waterproof.

I know.

So what happened to it?

It caught fire.

12

A little boy was in the garden and he saw a snake for the first time.

He ran to his mother and said, “Come quick, mum. There’s a tail without a body in the garden,”

13

Ronald got into trouble at the zoo yesterday.

Really! What did he do?

He fed the monkeys.

There’s nothing wrong with that! 

Oh, there is. He fed them to the lions.

14

Mum broke a leg. Now dad can’t work.

You mean your father is looking after your mum.

No, Mum broke dad’s leg.

15

My sister threw pepper in my face yesterday.

That’s terrible! What did you do?

I sneezed.

16

Student: I eated seven cakes at my birthday party.

Teacher: Don’t you mean ate?

Student: Okay, I eated eight cakes at the party.

17

I shot my dog yesterday.

Was it mad?

Well, it wasn’t very happy about it.

18

A woman went into a butcher’s shop and pointed to a chicken in the window.

Is that the biggest chicken you’ve got?

No, Madam, the butcher said.

The butcher took the chicken into the back of his shop and blew it up with a bicycle pump. He returned to the shop and gave it to her.

She said:

That’s much better. And I’ll take the other one as well.

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