As I write this there is some doubt in my mind whether Father's Day was last Sunday or whether it will be next Sunday. This could be solved by looking in today's paper to see if the stores are still telling my family that there is nothing in the world I want so much as some underwear that will flatter my torso. However, there is an even simpler way to discover whether we fathers have been honored or are just about to be. After awhile I shall screw up the courage to look at my necktie. If I find that it should be singing bass in the Cossack Choir, then I shall know that Father's Day has come and gone, leaving me in its wake.
I suppose that Father's Day is a good idea, though there seems something pretty pointed in the fact that no one thought of putting a red mark on the calendar for the Old Man until long after there had been a Mother's Day, an Arbor Day, a Labor Day, and a Ground Hog Day. Since I am a father myself it might appear immodest were I to suggest that fathers are often found superior to ground hogs - or, at least, more useful around the first of the month than ground hogs. However, such a suggestion might be taken as an indication that fathers are ungrateful for their blessing and this might, in turn, start a movement to abolish Father's Day until we learn humility.
For my part, however, I confess myself interested in fatherhood and I simply do not go along with those who contend that about the only time a father is worth having about is in the Spring when it is time to fertilize the flower beds. It has been my privilege to know a great many fathers and I have found them to be charming creatures. True, many of them are shy, particularly those that have large, noisy families, but they respond marvelously to kindness, and I am not exaggerating when I say that the average father will, if treated with tolerance and respect, become a fine companion and pet and may be readily trained to retrieve balls, short sticks, and other small objects.
There are many things to bear in mind in the raising of a good, reliable father. It is well to remember that many of them are proud, sensitive animals, that they bruise easily, and that they thrive on peace and quiet.
Feeding is recognized by some of the most successful father fanciers as a problem deserving special attention. All too often the selection of his diet is left to the mother who, in most cases, insists on feeding father the sort of things which she prefers, which is to say, table scraps. A father can subsist just so long on salads, creamed side dishes, canned vegetables, gelatin desserts, and sandwiches with the crust cut off them. Then, unless something is done, he begins to sneak off at meal time. This is often confused with infidelity. Just remember that more marital discord is created by the absence of steak and French fries than by the presence of blondes and redheads.
Another common fault in the rearing of fathers is the tendency to educate them more than they want to be educated. It is a mistake to try to elevate a father's tastes because fathers are interested in creature comforts and, hence, do not like sopranos. A father, for instance, thinks of chairs only in terms of leaning back, and does not respond kindly to the information that he may, in the future, sit gingerly on the edge of an antique. He will doggedly refuse to believe that the antique is attractive and there is no use trying to educate him to any other point of view.
Similarly, efforts to teach fathers to discriminate between guest towels and the everyday variety usually fail. In fine, the sooner it is recognized that a father would rather be comfortable than socially acceptable, the quicker you will develop an animal which, while often disheveled and embarrassing in the presence of company, is a reliable creature to send downstairs late at night when it is believed that a burglar is at the Community Plate.
There is so much to be said on this topic that one is tempted to go on forever. I notice that it is almost dark, however, and I have been instructed to sprinkle the grass as soon as the sun is down, so I will have to quit. Incidentally, of you are really interested in producing a better father, sprinkle the darned grass yourself sometime. I'm not the only person in this family who can nurse a nozzle.
The point of all this is really quite simple. Just bear in mind, particularly around Father's Day, that the more fathers are treated like people the more they act like people. Whether this is worth all the trouble that is involved is something for you to decide.
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