Whenever I come in at night to be greeted by a pear-shaped silence, I know that somewhere around the house there will be a note. These little documents are remarkable for their brevity and whimsey.
One beauty I've picked at random reads: I'm at Mother's. Watch for Egg Man. Feed Dog. When Egg Man Comes Put Him in the basement. Heard Funny Noise in Chimney Today. Do You Suppose a Bird is in There? Baked Beans in the Oven.
It was obvious from this communique that I was in for a ticklish evening. A bird in the chimney, baked beans in the oven and either the agg man or the dog, or both, locked in the basement and snarling at each other. As I remember, I put the dog in the attic, locked the egg man in the garage, put my hair up in curlers and went to bed with a good book.
One item of last summer that was worked into a tea towel with colored thread said: If You Get Home Early, We've Gone Swimming. If You Get Home Late, We'll Be Back by Then and I'll Have Dinner Ready. I spent several days trying to forget that one.
Sometimes the notes will come in series. They start at the front door and cancel each other out as they go through the house. One set that I've had mounted read like this: Gone to Club. Man Called About Noon. Very Urgent. He was Breathing Hard, But Wouldn't Leave Number. Do you Owe Someone Money? This little jewel was on the hall table just inside the door. A second note lying on the desk in the living room said: May Not Go to Club Today. Breathing Man Called Again at Two. Think Baby Swallowed On of My Earrings.
Prowling on through the house in a slight daze, I came into the kitchen. My wife was standing at the sink, peeling onions.
"Hello," she said. "It wasn't an earring after all. It was a button. I called the doctor and he said not to worry."
"That's nice," I said. "What about the breathing man?"
"Oh, him," she said. "Didn't you read my note? It's on the telephone stand."
I went back in and read the note.
This one said: Forget About Breathing Man. He Had You Mixed up With Someone Who Wanted to Rent a House. Decided not to Go to the Club Today.
With measured tread I walked back through the kitchen.
"Don't go away," said my wife. "Dinner will be ready in a few minutes."
"I'll be out in the backyard." I said.
"Okay," she answered. "I'll call you when we're ready."
"Send me a note." I said.
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