This is the year of the big vaudeville show, with candidates resplendent in blue shirts, which absorb the glare from the spotlights, and pancake makeup, which artfully conceals both age and pallor and restores to weary politicians the ruddy vigor of a grade-B Western hero. There will be speeches, flags, music and, for the boys in the backroom, a bottle on the shelf. Promises will be made in good faith, and some in the rankest kind of hypocrisy. The din will be deafening, the television channels choked with argument, and ill will, we predict, will be in possession of the land.
To help you get your money's worth for your vote (a figure of speech; nothing more) we are offering a standard against which we ask that you check your candidate. The beauty of this standard is that it isn't scientific, and while your findings will not deliver you into a state of ataraxia they may bring your candidate into focus, perhaps even with devastating clarity. If so, good; and if you get any coins in change, strike them on the counter to check them for a hollow ring. In an election year, you can't trust anybody.
Just a few points for the politically alert to watch out for:
Keep your eye on the candidate who says "...and on the other hand" because he is arguing both sides of the question and hopes to get you going or coming. A candidate is entitled to work only one side of the street.
Look out for the candidate whose American Legion cap fits poorly. He just bought it.
Avoid the candidate who considers the hot lunch for school children about as controversial an issue as he cares to come to grips with.
Avoid the candidate who smiles too much. What's so blooming funny?
It may be hard to do, but keep your eye on the ball when one team claims all the patriotism.
Take a second look at the candidate whose voice falters at the end of each page of his speech. He doesn't know, any more than you do, what's coming next.
When the presidential candidate bestows his blessing upon the local official running for reelection, a ceremony somewhat comparable to Duncan Hines knighting a tearoom, require the presidential candidate to pronounce correctly the name of his good friend.
That's it, candidates. Now who among you hears cries from his country for succor?
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